We’ve all been there, low supplies and ice on the roads. How to satisfy the family while keeping the meal nutritious during a nor’easter or an arctic clipper isn’t magic, it’s about using your noggin. Creativity will save the day in most situations and provide meaningful nourishment your family will thank you for, right after demanding it of you. Let’s get to it!
The first of the five emergency meals is a favorite all the time. My kids go nuts for it on TV night and I usually have it ready by the time The Brady Bunch is on. Jiffy Pop and eggs is all you’ll need and believe me it truly is fun to make!
Get the Jiffy Pop going on the stovetop. Once it’s blossomed into that fantastic shining balloon of popped corn goodness, tear it open and crack two eggs into it. Cover it back up and shove it in the toaster oven for about five minutes at 400 degrees. Pull it out and serve. That’s it! It’s a hot ticket to your family’s hearts!
The next meal for irregular situations is a practical solution to the age old problem of using up those frozen goods. We all have good intentions when we buy those Goya fruit pastes or that extra large, fifteen dollar, bag of frozen strawberries, but after awhile it is clear that those things are taking up much needed space. But what to do with them? Fret no more I have the solution! Take that frozen freezer stuffer to a well greased nine by nine baking tray and fill to the brim with any of your unwanted fruit. I like to lay the pineapple or guava paste boards in the bottom of the pan and top with berries. Set the oven to 400 degrees and bake for about 20 minutes while the kids take a bath. Have yourself a cigarette and a cognac. When the time’s up pull the piping hot fruit out and crack a couple of eggs over it and send it back in the oven for about two minutes. Health experts tell us that fruit and protein are a perfect meal for those of us putting on a bit of tire round the middle, if you know what I mean! Hey, the fruit and eggs is about done, time to get those kids on the sofa for an episode of the Love Boat while they sing mom’s praises!
The third no fuss meal for stormy weather comes to us from Beatrice Morsello and was a favorite of her immigrant family when they first arrived from their shithole country. After a long day of working the loading docks her papa wanted nothing more than to settle in with a beer and his favorite meal of baked root vegetables. That’s right, anything you’ve been saving in that bottom cupboard near the stove, the old potatoes sprouting legs, the slowly softening parsnips, the old carrots–keepers for a storm day! Arrange these root vegetables on a huge baking sheet like this, potatoes, turnips, parsnips, yucca, carrot, onion and repeat. Put enough on the sheet for a real smorgasbord of flavorless starch. Set your oven to 400 degrees and bake those suckers good for about an hour. Have the kids de-flea the family cat while you’re waiting and get them pumped for an episode of Happy Days. What does Fonzi say kids?! Ayyyyyy! As soon as you pull the roots out of the oven crack a couple of eggs over it and stick it back in the oven for a few minutes, you’ll be glad you did. Yum-yum, nothing satisfies like piping hot root vegetables. Health experts remind us that eggs have good cholesterol. And no one knows what that means!
It’s about time for that fourth recipe folks, this one is a real killer. It’ll make your kids so glad they came in from your tick infested backyard to watch Charo on the Jerry Lewis Telethon that’s been on most of the weekend and you’re out of cognac. The kids want foodstuffs and you’re prepared, aren’t you? No? Well look again at those packages of ramen! Ramen have about a hundred and ninety calories per package with or without the sauce packet. That’s right, the sauce packet is clearly calorie free! I usually have a large collection of the little foil packages ready to sprinkle onto almost any dish, chicken, beef, that weird one that you can’t really tell what it is . . . anyway get ready to use those little foil packets for all they’re worth while that lady with the fucking lambchop puppet depresses your children. Boil up all the ramen in the house, and slice up some bananas, try to use up the old ones because you know no one is taking a brown banana to lunch with them. Mash the bananas into the ramen once they’re all piping hot on the stovetop. Add flavor packets to taste. You’re probably about out of eggs by now, so for a flair the kids will love, dump some brandy on the serving bowls and light them on fire! Your kids will love and then quickly be disturbed by the dancing flames.
I know I said five meals, but Jesus I’m exhausted and Starsky and Hutch are on and the kids seem a bit woozy now, so I don’t wanna get them all cranked up again. So just get out some of that brick-hard Aldi’s ice cream and see if you can identify the artificial flavors in that neopolitan. Enjoy!